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Lighten The Mood With A Humorous Vasectomy Card

If you have someone in your life who is either going to have a vasectomy or is recovering from one, you know that they’re going through a stressful, elective, medical event. A great way to cheer up your friend, family member, or coworker is with funny vasectomy quotes to get him through the procedure. Keep reading for funny vasectomy sayings, puns, and one-liners that you can use in a card to show your support before the procedure, or during the recovery phase.

surgeon holding a scissors & making funny face

Funny Vasectomy Sayings

  • Did you hear about the new funny vasectomy doctor in town? His name is Howie Snippet- if you’re done having babies, he’ll fix it!
  • To my brother-in-law after my vasectomy: there is now a “vast” difference between us, despite our similarities.
  • When you tell the doctor that your family voted 17 to 1 in favor of your vasectomy, he isn’t going to argue against it.
  • How can you tell the difference between a man who’s had a vasectomy and one that hasn’t? You can’t, so stop worrying about it.
  • After your vasectomy, you’ll be playing it cool for at least a week- by which I mean, you’ll have an ice pack on your groin.
Man hearing news about vasectomy on telephone
  • Wishing you a speedy recovery from your vasectomy; I know that you asked them to add a few inches, so don’t be disappointed when you realize that’s not how it works.
  • Someone told me you are getting fixed- I thought that meant you were seeing a psychiatrist, but a vasectomy is just as necessary.
  • Congratulations on your successful vasectomy! I hope your doctor had a steadier hand than your barber.

After doing One Fine Day and playing a pediatrician on ER, I'll never have kids. I'm going to have a vasectomy.

Vasectomy Memes That Will Give Him A Laugh

woman pretending to be a nurse

Funny Vasectomy Sayings To Give Him A Giggle

  • If you schedule your vasectomy for October 31st, the doctor will give you the “Hollow-weenie” discount!
  • Are you worried about the vasectomy affecting your sexual performance? Your wife told me it can’t get any worse.
  • When you told your wife you were getting a vasectomy, did she think you were just kidding? Well, you can’t anymore!
  • While recovering from the procedure and reading over the funny vasectomy one liners from friends, remember that the real joke is on them; after all, you’re the one laying on a couch with a bag of ice while they’re at work.
  • I don’t think it’s funny that you had a vasectomy; however, it’s hilarious that you thought you’d run a marathon the next day!
  • Funny vasectomy sayings are few and far between for a reason: most guys don’t want to have one. Congrats on taking one for the team!
  • Did you hear about the doctor who botched a vasectomy? He missed and got the sack- make sure you give everything a look over before you’re discharged!
  • What does a king call a vasectomy? An end to making heirs. Hope your procedure goes royally well.
  • What do a Christmas tree and a vasectomy have in common? The balls are only ornamental, although important to the overall aesthetic.
  • When the first vasectomy was performed, it really got the ball rolling- as a result, doctors today are totally on the ball!

Funny Vasectomy Gift Ideas

Vasectomy Wishes To Lighten The Mood

  • Now that you’ve had a vasectomy, you can have all the marital pleasure without protection that you want- once you’ve recovered, that is!
  • Just because your balls are just there for looks doesn’t make you less of a man; however, you have one less functional use.
  • You may be out of bullets, but you can still aim that thing; therefore, get ready for another shootout, cowboy!
  • Your new motto: snipped but still equipped.
  • Snip, snip, hooray! Congrats on your successful vasectomy procedure.
kitten looking shocked on a couch
  • Get ready for everyone to call you Snow Ball, because you’re going to have ice on your groin for a while after your vasectomy.
  • What do you call a  vasectomy performed by a Mexican doctor? A dry Martinez. Give Dr. Sanchez my regards, and bring an olive when you go for the operation.
  • Vasectomy or no vasectomy, you’re still half a man at best; therefore, you’ve got nothing to lose!
  • I’m sure you’ll be fine after your vasectomy as long as you don’t try to “make sure it works” right afterwards; try to just listen to your doctor’s post-op advice.
  • Shooting blanks is okay- action movie stars do that all the time! Good luck with your recovery after the vasectomy.

When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

  • You may be shooting blanks but you still have perfect aim, so with a vasectomy you’re still the same!
  • I hope everything still works “down there”- good luck recovering from your vasectomy.
  • All juice and no seeds- you could say that your vasectomy has made you more digestible!
  • I’m glad your vasectomy went well, but sorry about the recovery soreness- want me to kiss it better? You should probably just ice it, however.
  • You had to pay for your vasectomy, but look on the bright side: you’re about to save a fortune on condoms!

Messages To Cheer Him Up

  • I’m so glad that you’re always there for me- thanks for getting a vasectomy.
  • I need you, now and forever. While you recover from the procedure, I’ll be there with ice and aspirin.
  • You’ve changed my life for the better- thank you for changing yours. Good luck with your vasectomy.
  • I would do anything for you, and your vasectomy proves that you’d do the same.
  • You’re a wonderful, amazing, and one-of-a-kind guy, and I’ll make sure you have a special time relaxing during your recovery.
Illustration of man in pain after vasectomy
  • Meeting you was the most important thing that happened in my life- you’ll soon be recovering from your vasectomy with the help of your Nurse Wife.
  • Thank you for being who you are- your vasectomy won’t change that!
  • I love it when you smile, and knowing that you got a vasectomy for me keeps me smiling. Rest well.
  • You are the best blessing in my life- thanks for getting that procedure for your wife.
  • When I’m lost, you help me find my way; when you’re recovering, I’ll bring you ice all day.

Funny Vasectomy Quotes For Him



With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.



A man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.



Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.



Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.



If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar-playing, you will have some idea of what popular Turkish music is like.



I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.



Last time I trusted you, I woke up without my balls.

Funny Vasectomy Quotes To Get Him Through The Proceedure